Sports relief let's dance live blog

It's the final of sport reliefs Let's dance series where 6 wannabe celebs battle it out to claim the crown for best polished turd.

Tune in on Tuesday where I'll be live blogging the show with little interest, but trying to provide a wonderful description of what's happening regardless.... See you there


- Hello everybody, Turned up slightly late, so I'm starting this blog 5Min's into the show, don't worry though you haven't missed much.

Like any other dancing competition, the show is presented by two B class celebrities who no one cares about, this time it's Claudia Winkleman and Steve Jones. To be honest the BBC have definitely found the most annoying duo this time.

-the show moves to a filler featuring some stupid fling on the terminator series, seriously our agony would be cut in half if the programme cut out half of this crap

Onwards to the first act however where X and X from GMTV (is that crap still on?) dance to stay in the competition .

-I can't say I'm so impressed with the routine, but the audience seem to love every second of it. Oh that was it? 30 seconds? A nice surprise, i was actually planning on ripping out my eyes if they touched 40seconds

Funny comments from the panel. I must admit, the guy from peepshow Robert Webb and jack Dee are very good choices.

-Katy brands' into video comes on. an improvement to the first, but still full of try hard bad comedy which could make 5 year olds cry.

She comes on and performs a decent dance. She does have the advantage of bouncing back up again if she mucks up and falls over.

I love these judges, I wish they had a panel like this for all these types of shows.

- Grumpy old women next, and I am already sick of this stupid male presenter. Their intro movie is probably the most entertaining.

They dance to lady Gaga's popular poker face, while looking strangely attractive. Oh dear, I'm getting pretty amerced into this performance, shake that booty!

Judges superb once again, these guys make this show. Nice feedback once again, I can see a pattern emerging now.

-Deborah Stevenson's act and introduction. Wait a second, is she some sort of impressionist? All i can say is that she didn't make an impression on me (oh, dear).

She looks like a pretty convincing Michael Jackson actually. Maybe she should consider a sex change. I'm actually impressed, the best overall dance from a serious prospective, but I get the feeling that this show is actually meant to contain light humour, no? I'll stop being grumpy.

I really hate the middle judge, actually impressionists full stop. Having to mimic someone else to create gags i think is slightly ironic.

-Injured Cheryl Ferguson from Eastenders is next, and comes out with an awesome introduction, I was actually convinced she was a raging lesbian there, good show.

Hmmm, anyone else think she looks like a fat white version of will smith from the fresh prince of Belair? She does dance well for a big girl. She's my new favourite.

The panel are up, I actually laughed this time... God bless Jack Dee

- Ugh, Kill this male presenter.... Please

-

Okay, new favourite.. This guy rocks. However I have concerns that he might be a peado hanging out with all those little girls though.

John Kelshaw really needs to get some new material, I never know if he is doing his normal voice or not...

-Lines are still open, who are you guys going to vote for? Leave your comments below. my money is on the Rufus. In fact the show got progressively better as the acts moved on.

Remember every vote raises money for sports relief, good cause to be honest! Friday 18th, BBC one.

- Ndubs (Nbubz? Z or S? who the hell knows) enter in for a performance - Playing with fire. I wish they did, might die in the process and save my ears from this dreadful song! Whoops did is say that out loud?

Also what is with the dancers in the background, I mean the camera angles are all wrong, the three goons in the middle block their performance in the back... I won't complain too much as the woman isn't that bad looking....... Yup.

-Who do you think will win? I actually think Rufus can dance better than Cheryl Cole and thus should win!

6 Min's to go!

-Short film with the legend who is Lewis Hamilton. Special mention to his F1 effort last weekend, nice podium finish, cool and calm performance in what was a pretty boring race.

-Another performance from some kids who can actually dance. Hm, The music is far too loud for the shoe tapping, how disappointing. Wow the kid on the left is pretty big for a dancer, he must eat quite a few cakes.

Impressive dance actually, I would clap, but clapping at the TV is rather sad.

-Let's dance revision session for the people who actually have a life... Unlike myself who actually live blogs crap like this.

-Kate and Richard, Rufus, Katy Brand, Cheryl Ferguson, Grumpy old women, and Deborah Stevenson all come back on the stage... I've never seen so much shit on a stage at one time.

Here comes the the results.... Dramatic music, and Deborah is out.

closely followed by..... The grumpy old women

Cheryl goes out next

Kate and Richard leave the stage (thank god)

It's between Rufus and Katy... Comon Rufus (no bias)

And the act is....................

pause....

pause....

Rufus!

Robert Webb prepares to pass on the baton, and Rufus gets crowned the champion turd of the evening. Congratulations.

To close off the show Rufus performs another classy/sexy performance of fight for this love... It is hard to keep all this excitement in my trousers, but I will try...

Thanks for tuning in for the blog guys. Remember to vote for sports relief, it's all for a good cause, and don't forget to tune in on Friday for the live show.

Live blog master chef:

- And once again it is another episode from the ever popular master chef series, now we're into the quarterfinals! If you can remember who the contestants are, please post them up because I have no clue!

- intro comes on with the woman who wants to be a man, well sounds like it, where do the bbc find these people?

Quickly moves onto the two fat 'master chefs' talking about how "everyone is going to be 'stunning' and 'brilliant'," Christ, I reckon they would eat each other if they seasoned each other appropriately

- Introduction of the first dish; pan-fried Salmon, looks tasty. bald fat guy says it has to be crispy, not that he would care.

- Bring on the dramatic music, because cooking is tense after all! Que the montage of Steve cooking, it looks so good!

I can't help but feel they cut out the boring parts, I wonder if it shows them washing up all their dishes afterwards?

-Here comes the judging. With a prod and poke of the Salmon the two men don't look so impressed. Slow Piano music in the background, IT'S ONLY COOKING!

- Next contestant is up, another montage of a 1 hour cook condensed into 30 seconds, talk about fast food.

Cr tics are not so keen. What a surprise they finish the plate anyway. I can't help but wonder who these two 'master chefs' are, I guess the BBC's budget doesn't stretch to Gordon Ramsey or Jamie Oliver.

She has a little sob story, and talks about her family loving her. What does this have to do with cooking? Please, let's get back to what the show is about, If I wanted to watch people open up to their emotions I would've changed over to ITV2 and watched The Jeremy Kyle Show.

- Thank you, more cooking commenses. Scallops with pork, sounds yummy.... Don't under cook those scallops Tim!

Dramatic music after the 30 second montage, what is with the BBC these days? Appealing to the art students with all these montages, they are a minority you know....

- WOW, the judges love it. Upbeat piano music. Damn, this programme is cheesy, ha get it? There goes my one-liner of the night.

- Wannabe man starts introducing the next contestant. How many contestants are there, and how many want to wear glasses? Not that I have anything wrong with people wearing glasses, I actually wear them myself... Anyway back with the blogging.

- Oooo, the judges are 50/50 what a surprise. That's 50% already in their stomachs, and 50% unsure if it's edible, I guess you'll find out in a few hours boys.

That's a point, I wonder if these judges take Rennies in between judging the contestants?

Hmmm, actually I would rather not think about that..

I'll veer back on track.

- Introduction of next contestant... I didn't realise advertising executives could cook, an interesting career change? Oh look, another montage.

The thing that really gets me about these montages is the BBC's inability to make them look interesting, they might as well show some fat guy flipping burgers in the back of Burger King (A little bit of free advertising for you there BK, you can post my cheque to ER18 8TY).

I'll give you a tip. This is a cooking programme, people want to see how things are being cooked so they can Jamie Oliver it back at home, so make the cooking snippets longer!

- is it just me, or does that look like someones smeared Branston pickle over a piece of salmon? Obviously not, because the judges seem to like it.

Urgh, does anyone hate pickle as much as I do?

- New contestant can't mix flavours. Errr, good luck cooking then.

Does the bald guy really have to get his nose in so close? I mean come on she doesn't want to flavour her fish with your snot, idiot.

I love how they nail a dish in 3 mouthfuls, this is why third world countries are starving people.

- Now to the judges discussing amongst themselves about how well each contestant did. I predict this will take a while, how many contestants were there? 1,2,3,4,5....6? Jeeees

Wow the guy with hair has a big mouth, and the volume which comes of it is just as large as well; was he in Haiti when the earthquake happened by any chance?

-Decision time people.... Dramatic music please! (A drum role would've been better I think)

I'll do it myself,

tatatatatatatatatattatatatatatat, clang (symbol).

-The two ladies are down! unlucky girlie's...... Oh no, not Steve! I vaguely liked him, don't ask me why.... Hmmm, his glasses look alright, there you go.

- Wow this programme shoots through fast, but onto the next phase!

- One hour to cook what they want, sounds good..

- First woman goes with a simple dish to bring out flavours. Judges question what she is cooking, obviously she is a woman after all (first sexist comment of the blog!)...

I bet they'll still eat it...

- Will is putting his all into this, apparently he hasn't got enough time, I've got a funny feeling he'll be okay.

Is anyone else getting sick of this stupid montage music? where do they get this stuff?

-Ha the "the first rule of cookery is, you have to be able to eat it." Quote of the series.

Typically they both like the desserts.

-Tim receives a down to earth talk from fat guy #1, who doubted him at first. Fat guy #2 doesn't like too many flavours, errr okay, a bit contradictory being a judge on a cookery programme no?

-It seems to be between Will and Dr Tim. Apologies girl but under cooking meat means you can't eat it, gotta remember that first rule of cooking.

The two judges talk amongst themselves again, you can see their mouths watering just thinking about food.

They gather the contestants for their verdict..... And...

TIM,

- They play a bit of muse, why muse? ching their champagne glasses and cut to the manly woman talking about next weeks show. I can't wait, see you there!

The countdown has begun...

It's official, the BBC Formula One website has brought back the countdown clock, which can only mean one thing.... The Formula One season is almost upon us, and what a season it's going to be.

It only feels like yesterday that we saw Redbull's Sebastian Vettel dominate the Abu Dhabi grand prix, despite losing the constructors and drivers championship to our very own Jenson Button.

Jenson, Jenson, Jenson, there's probably been enough already said about him without me delving too much into the depth of what he's accomplished, what I will add is this; I feel sorry for him. His move to Mclaren has caused critics to jump on the Button bashing bandwagon, poo-pooing his chances of beating new team mate Lewis Hamilton. While I agree with this in the short term, give it a few races, and Jenson will be challenging his team-mate, I guarantee it.

While the Button vs Hamilton debate goes on, the biggest fish in the sea, Fernando Alonso, is sitting back twiddling his thumbs. Alonso may have been caught up in a few scandals over the past three years, but now he is looking good, not just good: Sharp, honed, and most of all quick. The red Ferrari has been clocking up devilishly quick winter test times, and with the double world champion on board, they look as though they're in the driving seat come Bahrain.

The biggest news to hit F1 is the return of seven times world champ Michael Schumacher, who is now driving for the newly named Brawn team, Mercedes. Schumacher, who is now 40, looks like he still has his old finesse around the track; his little duel with Hamilton in testing was a mouthwatering glimpse of what's to come. However, questions aren't being asked about his ability, because that would be stupid, he has won the drivers title seven times after all, but whether or not his body will hold up. Being brutally honest, while I do think Schumacher will win races, he doesn't have a hope against the new blood. Your free bus pass is in the post Michael, along with Rubens Barichello's too.

The 2010 grid also houses four, potentially five new teams: Sauber, Lotus, Virgin, Hispania, and maybe Manor (if they get their act together). It is good to see Peter Sauber back involved with F1, and it looks like he has a quick car to boot; I wish I could say the same for the rest. The sheer lack of pace seen with the other new teams is pitiful. Lotus are clocking up times closer to GP2 cars rather than F1, which isn't just worrying, it is bottom line embarrassing. I agree, new teams entering into the sport is a good thing, but they have to look at their long term commitment; this applies to you beardy Branson!

If you're one of the many who are not interested in F1 (I cannot fathom why you aren't), then I'll just say this.... 2010 is going to be a cracker.